Signs, Labels and Warnings

Outside a second-hand shop
We exchange anything — bicycles, washing machines etc.  Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.
At a (now closed down) shop in Crawley
we regret
no smoking
no dogs
no eating
no drinking
On an airline packet of peanuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
In the window of a health food shop
Closed due to illness.
At a motorway garage
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps.  Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
At the side of a Sussex road
Slow cattle crossing.  No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
In a German café
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.
Announcement on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando
When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.  If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language.  Thank you.
Job advertisement in a 1998 newspaper
Applicant must have 5 years experience with Windows 95.
Traffic sign
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.
At a tennis club
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racket.
On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
In a London office block
Toilet out of order.  Please use floor below.
At a dry cleaner’s shop
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.
On a set of personalised club party invitations sent to a girl
No All-Male Parties.
On a laboratory bottle of distilled water
If you get this liquid in your eye, rinse carefully with water.
In a Loughborough pub
Anyone found possessing, distributing or using any kind of drugs will be banned from the premises and reported to the police.
I’ve also seen similar signs in other pubs.  Do these places really have no idea what they’re selling?
Two notices at the cloakroom of a Loughborough nightclub
We cannot accept small items such as handbags, cameras, mobile phones and purses.  We will not accept liability for items left in the pockets of jackets/coats left in the cloakroom.
Secure your mobile phone for a 50p fee.
On a church notice board
Thinking of ending your life?  Let us help.
At a safari park
Warning: trespassers will be eaten.
Opposite sides of the label on a tin of paint
Child safe, lead free multi-purpose enamel.
Keep out of the reach of children.
Checkout screen at video game shop, for Ultimate Brain Games
Restaurant menu at a hostel in Finland
Big bowel of olive.
At a Cheltenham pub
Does your wife drive you to drink?  If so, ask her to drop you off here!
On the food menu of a pub chain
Fishes swim.  In order to do this they need bones.  Please be careful as some of our fish may still contain them.
On a container of cookies in a café
Please use tongues to pick up cookies, not your hands.

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